Did you ever wonder how many movies feature the game of blackjack? The following article mentions a handful:


Now that my book has sold somewhere between 7 and 1000 copies, it is only natural that I speculate who would portray me in the movie adaptation of the book. Those of you who know me realize that Suraj Sharma (the actor who recently starred in Life of Pi) is out. Also, Denzel Washington is out–not because of his looks, but because his agent said that Denzel was unavailable. How about Castle? (I’m sure the actor has a real name, but I’m too lazy to look it up on IMDB. I’m also embarrassed to say that I’ve watched Castle.) Chris O’Donnell, maybe? I’ve been told more than once that I resemble Matthew Perry from Friends. That might work, but he would have to be funnier.

Let’s switch gears and determine who would portray my hot wife, Lori. (See the “About” link above to get a glimpse of her.) My father once said that Lori looked like Katherine Bell when she was younger, but I don’t see it. Someone else said that Lori looks a little like Morena Baccarin (Brodie’s wife on Homeland). That would work…Morena has already done nude scenes that would be made prevalent in the screen adaptation of 1536 Free Waters.

My daughter, Sarah, can be portrayed by Princess Kate, since they are both princesses, and my son, Mitchell, would obviously be played by Ricky Rubio from the Minnesota Timberwolves. My father would play himself, since nobody else could pass for Tom Wielgoleski. Finally, Todd Crites would be played by Chief Wiggum from The Simpsons. Many of the stories in my book feature male blackjack dealers and female waitresses. That one is easy…Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, but only if they promise to get along on the set. And, Brad isn’t allowed to bring along the international adopted offspring. They attract too much paparazzi.

Last but not least, it is essential to the success of the movie that my dog Newman, be portrayed by Newman.

Newman and Newman

Now all we need is a script.

3 responses »

  1. Scott says:

    you would be played by Patton Oswalt

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