Things I Like Besides Blackjack

I’ve been told by family, friends and other players at the blackjack table that I act like a grumpy old man at times.  They think I have a tendency to compain too much.  I disagree…there are many things that I like:

– I like that, statistically, people who have bumper stickers about politics, religion, abnormal social views, or their favorite sports team, have a better chance of being in a fender-bender because other drivers are distracted by their overly-opinionated point of view displayed on the car bumper.  These people also have a better chance of having their car keyed by someone.

– I like hearing news about multi-millionaires, celebrities, or professional athletes who lose a ton of money on Ponzi schemes.

– Nowadays, you hear more and more stories about old high school sweethearts who hook up via Facebook. I like it when the internet breaks up long marriages.

– Even though I’m in my mid-forties, I enjoy that I can still hit a golf ball hard enough to possibly end a person’s life with an errant shot on the golf course.

– I love that I’m allowed to buy and eat as many Popsicles as I want.

– It pleases me when I see hemi-powered pickup trucks on the highway, knowing that they get 6.7 miles per gallon fuel efficiency.

– I enjoy downloading songs, even entire albums, for free on the internet. That’s legal, right?

– I adore that people say my wife and my daughter look like sisters.

– I’m very thankful that Abe Vigoda is still alive.

– I’m happy that while I floss only once or twice a month, my dentist recently said, “Good job. It looks like you’re flossing regularly!”

– I like that as the average weight of Americans goes up each year, the size of toilets remains the same.

– Have you seen the Travelers Insurance television commercial where all the wild animals are pleasantly living and singing together at the watering hole? I like that in real life, these creatures would be ripping each other to shreds to survive. ♫ It’s the cirrrrrrcle of life… ♪

– I’m fascinated that the phrases “I don’t give a shit” and “I give a shit” have the same meaning.

– I’m grateful knowing that most cell phone providers will offer you a better monthly rate if you threaten to change providers. Try it.

– When I’m in the first car waiting on a red light, then the light changes green, I love waiting as long as I can until the driver behind me beeps the horn. When I hear the horn, I wave like Forrest Gump in the rear-view mirror.

– I like taking advantage of the trick my daughter, Sarah, taught me. If you want a personal pizza from Schlotzsky’s, order the kids-sized pizza. It is the exact same size as the regular pizza, but cheaper. Plus, you get a cookie!

– I always get giddy when religious leaders or key members of groups like “Focus on the Embryos” denounce homosexuals, then they later get arrested for using same-sex escort services.

– I love that I can periodically sneak into the YMCA near my house without paying. The secret is to complain about something at the front desk, “Did you see all that damn garbage in the parking lot? I wonder why nobody ever asks to see my membership card.

– I’m glad there is website that will anonymously send an email to your friend or co-worker to let them know they have a bad breath problem.

– I enjoy hearing about hunting accidents. ♫ It’s the cirrrrrrcle of life… ♪

– Have you ever seen bike riders or motorcyclists get caught unexpectedly in a torrential rainstorm? I like that.

– I like that more and more television commercials are featuring women in bras and panties. It wasn’t always that way…maybe nudity on public TV is just around the corner.

– I’m happy that the bad economy makes it easier for me to get a table at a restaurant on Friday nights.

– You know when you’re stopped at a traffic light, and a car pulls up alongside with a dog or dogs inside? When that happens to me, I like barking really loud to make the puppies go nuts.

– It may be weird, but I like it when my 20-pound dog takes a human-sized poop.

– I like having my own internet site where I can mention shit, poop, and toilet jokes as much as I want.